Moses and Jesus Palying Golf
Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. When they come to the 14th hole, which is a particularly nasty 310 yard, par 4, with a water hazard in front of the green.
Moses leads off, and drives a beautiful shot straight down the fairway, laying-up 10 yards short of the water hazard.
Jesus steps up to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going for the green. I saw Arnold Palmer make this same shot last year”. Moses advises Jesus he’ll never make the green, and to lay-up short.
Jesus tells Moses, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot, and I know if he can do it, so can I”.
So Jesus tees up the ball, hits it, and watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus turns to Moses, asking him to please part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses parts the waters, allowing Jesus to retrieve his ball.
Jesus comes back to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going to try it again. If Arnold Palmer can make this shot, I know I can too”. Jesus tees up his golf ball, hits it, and again watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses says OK, and parts the waters, so Jesus can retrieve his golf ball again.
Jesus comes back, and once again tees up the ball telling Moses he can make the shot, because if Arnold Palmer can do it, he can too. Moses tells Jesus, if he hits the ball into the water this time, he’s not going to help him get it back.
Jesus takes a mighty swing, and watches the ball fall just short of the green, once again landing in the water. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters, and Moses tells him no, he had to retrieve the ball on his own. So Jesus walks out onto the water searching for his golf ball.
About this time, the follow-on foursome approaches the 14th hole, and sees Jesus walking on water. One of the foursome asks Moses who the guy walking on water thinks he is! Jesus Christ?
Moses responds, “no, Arnold Palmer”.
Blondes In The Parking Lot
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!
Wife Making Fried Eggs For Breakfast
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,’ he said,‘ CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
An elderly man just finished his annual physical, when the doctor came in grinning from ear-to-ear. “Fred, we did a full workup – heart, lungs, credit score, investments and guess what? You can afford to live another 15 years.”
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