Overweight Problem Solved
A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the lady.
An Exercise Program I Can Live With
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Next, try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Father Doesn’t Always Knows Best
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, “He’s been crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?”
“No,” replies the wife, “he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie.”
Just Wing It
I wonder, do birds always plan things, or do they sometimes just wing it?
It’s All In the Marketing
I sell ammunition. My motto is, “ALWAYS leave them wanting more!”
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a bus.
If You Can, Then You Must
If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and telling people your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
THEN YOU MUST BE THE FAMILY DOG!!! 阅读全文…
I tend to avoid funerals…
… I’m just not a mourning person. 阅读全文…
Yo Momma So Stupid
Yo momma so stupid, she doesn’t even know this joke is about her. 阅读全文…
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. “So did you tell her?” asks Jeff.
“Yep”, replies Bob.
“Say, where did you get the six-pack?”
Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me.”
“WHAT?” exclaims Jeff. “You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?”
“Sure,” Bob says.
“Why?” asks Jeff.
“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘Are you Steve’s widow?’
‘Widow?’ she said, ‘No, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’
So I said, “I’ll bet you a six-pack you are.” 阅读全文…