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品笑话学英语-2019-367

Posted by loong on 2019/07/16 in 英语段子 |

Resolved Settlement

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in…
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
 
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每天看一看,托福、雅思轻松过。
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-366

Posted by loong on 2019/07/15 in 英语段子 |

Smart Dog

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
“That is a very smart dog,” the man commented.
“Not really,” said one of the irked players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-365

Posted by loong on 2019/07/14 in 英语段子 |

Mom!

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother. Five minutes later, “Mom.”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
[Five minutes later] “Mom.”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?”
“I told you no! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!”
[Five minutes later] “Mom!”
“WHAT?!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-364

Posted by loong on 2019/07/13 in 英语段子 |

Sensitive Habitat

Why do fish live in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-363

Posted by loong on 2019/07/12 in 英语段子 |

I Couldn’t Cut It

I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-362

Posted by loong on 2019/07/11 in 英语段子 |

Moral Of The Story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.” When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.”; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.” The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. “Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t mess with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-361

Posted by loong on 2019/07/10 in 英语段子 |

Choice of Words

The priest said, “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.”
Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: “You may say another two words, Sister Mary.”
“Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. “You may say two words today.”
“I quit,” said Sister Mary. “It’s probably best,” said the priest, “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-360

Posted by loong on 2019/07/09 in 英语段子 |

Manly Tea Party

My wife and seven year old daughter invited their friends to have a tea party but you had to wear a sun dress and a floppy sun hat if you chose to attend. They had a blast laughing and enjoying themselves for over an hour.
I got to thinking what would be the man equivalent to such a party, so I decided to have a bacon party and the requirement was to wear camouflage.
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-359

Posted by loong on 2019/07/08 in 英语段子 |

Last Battery I’d Ever Need

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.
“Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”
“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”
 
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品笑话学英语-2019-358

Posted by loong on 2019/07/07 in 英语段子 |

Too Many Wheels

I tried working in a wheel factory, but I got too tired.
 
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