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Smile every day-2018-9

Posted by loong on 2018/07/21 in 英语段子 |

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Managing Your Anger

Husband: Every time I yell and get angry at you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

 

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Lost

A man got lost in his car during a snow storm. He remembered something he had read earlier: “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.”
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked the man what he was doing. He explained that he had read somewhere that if he ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the mall parking lot, now you can follow me over to the ice rink.”

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Indicators You’re Not a Child Anymore

*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it anymore.
*Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn’t have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald’s Playland.
*Your parents’ jokes are now funny.
*You once said, “What-chu talkin’ ’bout Willis?” or “Know whatta mean, Vern?”
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”
*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as “The best game ever.”
*When things go wrong, you can’t just yell, “Do-over!”
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You don’t want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it’s a shot of you from behind.

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Don’t Get Up

A woman is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a ‘poor, defenseless woman’ his seat”, and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. Again, she refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”

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