What, Me Worried?
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn’t speak.
The nurse patted my hand and said, “Don’t worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it’s not a dangerous procedure.”
“You’re right. I’m being silly,” I said, “please continue.”
“Good,” the nurse went on, “Now, do you have a living will?” 阅读全文…
The 50-50-90 rule:
If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right…
There’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. 阅读全文…
A guy told his friends, “I left my job because of illness and fatigue.”
Turns out his boss just got sick and tired of him. 阅读全文…
During the school year, the public library where I work is open on Sunday afternoons. Signs posted around the library read, Sunday service available 1:30-5:00, September-June. One day a woman was returning some books when she noticed one of these signs.
“Oh, you have Sunday service now?” she asked me.
“Yes, from 1:30 to 5:00, September through June,” I explained.
“I see,” she said. “And what denomination is it?” 阅读全文…
Why Do Animals Cross The Road?
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get into the shell station.
Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove it wasn’t chicken.
Why did the rabbit cross the road? To get to the hare station. 阅读全文…
My Dog named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, “I would like to have one too!”
Then I said, “But she is a dog!”
He said he didn’t care what she looked like.
I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.”
He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. 阅读全文…
Why Was My Grade So Low?
Melissa went up to her college professor, ready to contest the grade she received in the class. “I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
After staring at her with a blank look, the professor responded. “Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.”
What Do You Do?
Two elderly ladies were discussing their “elderly” issues.
“You’re in the grocery store, Ethel,” Gladys begins, “and the urge suddenly comes upon you. You go into the woman’s bathroom, and the only stall is filthy, a total mess. You go to the family bathroom, and find the door is locked. What do you do?”
Ethel thinks for a minute, then replies, “Depends.”
When You Know You Are Out of College
You Know You Are Out of College When:
– Your potted plants stay alive.
– Sleeping in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
– You have to pay your own credit card bill.
– Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
– “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
– “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
– Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
– You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
– You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
– You go to parties that police don’t raid.
– You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
– Your car insurance goes down.
– You refer to college students as kids.
– You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
– Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”