Moses and Jesus Palying Golf
Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. When they come to the 14th hole, which is a particularly nasty 310 yard, par 4, with a water hazard in front of the green.
Moses leads off, and drives a beautiful shot straight down the fairway, laying-up 10 yards short of the water hazard.
Jesus steps up to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going for the green. I saw Arnold Palmer make this same shot last year”. Moses advises Jesus he’ll never make the green, and to lay-up short.
Jesus tells Moses, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot, and I know if he can do it, so can I”.
So Jesus tees up the ball, hits it, and watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus turns to Moses, asking him to please part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses parts the waters, allowing Jesus to retrieve his ball.
Jesus comes back to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going to try it again. If Arnold Palmer can make this shot, I know I can too”. Jesus tees up his golf ball, hits it, and again watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses says OK, and parts the waters, so Jesus can retrieve his golf ball again.
Jesus comes back, and once again tees up the ball telling Moses he can make the shot, because if Arnold Palmer can do it, he can too. Moses tells Jesus, if he hits the ball into the water this time, he’s not going to help him get it back.
Jesus takes a mighty swing, and watches the ball fall just short of the green, once again landing in the water. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters, and Moses tells him no, he had to retrieve the ball on his own. So Jesus walks out onto the water searching for his golf ball.
About this time, the follow-on foursome approaches the 14th hole, and sees Jesus walking on water. One of the foursome asks Moses who the guy walking on water thinks he is! Jesus Christ?
Moses responds, “no, Arnold Palmer”.
Canoeing On A Sunny Day
Gracie was driving down the road in her pickup truck when she spotted a blonde sitting in a canoe in the middle a corn field. She slammed on her brakes and swerved into the corn field.
Pulling up beside the blonde, she rolled down her window and shouted, “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!?”
The blonde in the canoe looked at her, confused and said, “Well, I’m just out enjoying the sun in my canoe.”
Gracie was fuming. She yelled back, “Why are you out in the middle of the cornfield!?!”
“Well, it seemed like a great day to be in the wide open,” the blonde replied.
“You know,” Gracie said, “It’s blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!”
Why is it always login on a computer or logout?
Why not add the option… Unsure?
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
A Teddy Bear Named Frank
The little boy was no more than seven years old. It was time for Church, and he wanted to take his teddy bear, whom he had always called Frank. His parents protested, but he insisted that he had to take Frank, so they finally relented.
When the donation baskets were passed, he put the teddy bear in the plate, along with a few coins.
Later, when asked about it, he simply said, “Well, the Bible says the wise men brought Jesus the gifts gold, frankincense and myrrh. I didn’t have any gold, and I don’t know what myrrh is. So I just gave Frank and cents!”
Big Job Interview
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications & said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” the man said, “What is it?”
“It’s called the door!”
Little Johnny’s Dead Father
Little Johnny’s dad drove Johnny to boarding school and leaves him there. For the following week however, Johnny misses school.
When Johnny returned to school the next week the teacher asks Johnny why he had missed class for a week. Johnny replied that his dad passed away and he had to attend to his funeral.
The following week, Johnny’s dad comes to visit Johnny at school and was directed to Johnny’s classroom. While at the door, Johnny’s dad knocks and says “Excuse me sir, I am here to see my son, Johnny. I am his dad.”
Teacher surprised and confused asks, “Are you Johnny’s real dad? I thought Johnny’s father had passed away?” Johnny’s Father is confused.
The teacher realized what was going on. So he quickly turns to the class and calls out “Johnny, your dead father is here to see you.”
Johnny’s heart beats faster and he grows small, but looks up to the teacher and whispers “How the heck did he came back alive.”
A mother and father named their child “Odd”. Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn’t go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, “That’s odd…”
Why Lawyers are Liable to go to Hell
Why are lawyers liable to go to hell?
They are so full of lies it makes the devil blush.
Fourth Grade Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”
A girl raised her hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings?”