The New Select Person
Many small towns in rural Maine are too small for a town manager so they elect (select) at their town meetings “Select Persons” to do the town’s business. Athens was very proud that they elected the first female Select Person. She was not a native and had recently moved from New Jersey where things were very sophisticated compared to this 130 person town.
Wanting to impress the town’s people her first decision was to convince the other two Select Persons to make the main street “One Way Only”, just like her home town in NJ. The biggest problem resulting from this decision however, is that everyone can go to work, they just can’t get back.
The Wedding Ring
Daughter: My fiancé said I could have whatever I wanted inscribed on his wedding ring. What should I put?
Mother: Put what I put on your father’s wedding ring.
Daughter: What does it say. I’ve never seen daddy with it off.
Mother: Yes. It’s worked very well over the years. It says, “Put it back on!”
Cow Fell On The Farmer
Did you hear about the farmer who’s cow fell on him during milking?
He was in UDDER dismay!
What You Need Is A Playpen
Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest.”
“What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen.
A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
“Superb! I can’t believe it,” Mary said. “I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!”
Tree Using A Computer
How does a tree access a computer?
Like anyone else would.. it logs on.
I Need Two Volunteers
One day in basic training the drill sergeant came out and said, “I need two volunteers for garbage duty.”
When no one spoke up the drill sergeant pointed to two privates and said, “Okay, you and you!”
One of the privates said, “But I didn’t volunteer?”
“Were you drafted?” the drill sergeant asked.
“No,” said the private.
The drill sergeant smiled and said, “That’s right, you volunteered.”
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono…
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali…
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, she’d be Cat Doggy Dogg…
If Sandra Locke married Elliott Ness, divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she would become Sondra Locke Ness Munster…
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting…
If Ivana Trump married Orson Bean, King Oscar, Louis Mayer, Norbert Wiener, the she’d be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener…
And, if Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced and married Gregory Peck, Divorced him for Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur!!!
A Bald Head
You might say a bald head is…
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?